Looks Don't Mean a Thing

"What are you doing?" The voice came out of nowhere and I jumped up in surprise.
"Holy shit, you scared me."
"Sorry, brother. What's going on?" The voice was attached to a boy who had come up the other side of the hill.
"I'm making a sacrifice to Hades. And I'm not your brother." I answered shortly. The kid had a simple look to him.
"Here? Why here?"
"Well, it's a Cypress tree isn't it?"
"So?"
"The Cypress tree is sacred to Hades. Were you born under a rock?" The kid smiled at me with a toothless grin.
"I didn't know that. Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why is it sacred to Hades?"
"It just is, you moron. Now leave me alone." I went back to my preparations. It had to be done just right or I'd end up pissing off the Great Pissed Off One.

I'd never thought much about it before. I'd heard about Hades' attachment to the Cypress tree but you can never get a straight answer from anyone about stuff like that. You try sorting out all the nonsense that people propagate when it comes to their gods. I swear that if people thought about it there'd be a god and a holiday for every good bowel movement they'd ever had. As it is, I just do what I'm told and I'd been told that if you need a favour from the crustiest of gods, you'd better make it a good sacrifice.

"What is it you want?" said the dumb kid.
"It's none of your business." I said.
"Well, it might be." he answered.
"Kid, don't you have some sheep to flock, or something?"
"No." He stood entranced by the fire I had started. I thought about giving him a good thump on the head, just for bugging me, but then I thought better of it.
"Look, kid, I need a favour from him and the priest told me to make a sacrifice under a Cypress tree. Now, fuck off and leave me alone." I blew on the kindling and the fire flared up for a second but then dwindled away again.
"I can make a fire." the kid said, still hypnotized by the small flame.
"Good for you, kid. I don't suppose you have any dryer lint on you, do you?"
The kid laughed out loud at that. I reconsidered the head-thumping business and stood up. As the blood rushed from my own head I began to feel a bit whoozy and the kid spun out of focus. I jammed a hand out and grabbed onto the tree.
"Be careful." the kid intoned in a sing-song voice as I fell to the ground and lost consciousness.

When I came to, I was lying on the floor of a stone cavern that soared more than a hundred feet above my head. I stared, stupidly, at the ceiling for a minute or two before I realized that I wasn't anywhere near the Cypress anymore.
"How do you feel, now?" I heard the kid's voice in my ear.
I jerked around and found myself staring into his vacant eyes. He was squatting about a foot away, looking intently at me. The queasy feeling in my stomach returned as I realized that this was no normal kid.
"Where am I?" I said. My voice sounded hollow and hoarse.
"Right where you wanted to be, aren't you?"
A terror I can't describe descended on me as I realized that I was looking at the Master of Doom. He needed a bath though. And then, I fainted again.

"Orpheus."
I followed the voice up from the blackness that had enveloped me and when I opened my eyes I saw her. I promptly gagged as my breath caught in my throat and I started to hack and cough violently until she had to pound on my back. Finally, I could breathe.
"Eurydice? Is it you?" I spat out.
"Of course it is, Orpheus. What the hell are you doing here?"
"I came looking for you. What's the matter? Aren't you happy to see me?"
"Of course I'm happy to see you, you boob. I mean, how did you get here? Did you die?" She helped me up into a sitting position, the love of my life and the reason I couldn't go on.
"I was making a sacrifice to Hades." I said and then I thought of something else. "Hey, did you see a weird kid here, a second ago?"
"A kid? What kid? Hades told me you'd come for me and that I was to take care of you until he returns. There's no kid here, just you and me."
"Huh." I said.
Just then a door screeched open and a regal looking man entered, only to pause, rolling his eyes, and say, "Do you think you could put some oil on that thing? Would that be too much to ask?" to the servant grovelling behind him. The servant disappeared and returned a moment later with an oil can and squeezed some onto the rusted hinges.
"Orpheus." the Lord of Dread said, "What's going on?"
"Nothing, Master." I did some grovelling then, too. It's hard not to.
"Get up. Get up." Hades sat down on a throne that appeared out of nowhere. "Now, what's all this nonsense about? I hear you've been asking around for me. What's on your mind?"
"Uh." I started.
"Whoo boy! For a writer, you sure don't use a lot of big words. Let me save you the trouble. Take her, but before you do, you have to do something for me."
"Really?" I asked, not a little suspicious.
"Sing, man. Take a look around here. I haven't seen a good show in years. Apparently dead people can't sing very well. I didn't know that. Did you know that?" He waved a hand and a lyre appeared, which he then handed to me. "Do it. Or nobody goes anywhere." he added with some very convincing malice.
I wondered what he wanted me to play and began to dig around in my alcohol soaked brain for a good old rousing 'let them go' song. I couldn't think of a single thing.
"Sing" Hades thundered, and right there I made up a song about how great Hades was and all the cool things he can do. He liked it well enough, although I think he'd have rather'd a song about girls.
"Now," he said leaning forward, "get the hell out of here. And don't bother looking back. If you do the deal's off." He turned and sat down wearily on his throne. "I'm telling you, more people wander out of here than come in, anymore. What's a God of the Dead to do?"

"I can't believe it." she said to me.
"I know. I don't believe it either, but I'm not sticking around for him to change his mind." And I gave her arm a tug. "Let's go."
Just then I spotted the half-witted kid again. I waved to him but he just stood there, not waving back. I should have punched him when I had the chance, I thought.
"Hey, is that the kid you saw?" Eurydice turned as we passed him.